Chemical: Explained.
I’ve been trying to write this blog post for a while, and a mixture of fear and inability to convey what I wanted has been holding me back. However, I weekly receive requests from people wanting me to further explain my Chemical series, so I figure the interest is there, and I have made no secret of the fact that I have depression, so I guess fear should no longer be an aspect.
So here goes. *takes a deep breath and a long drag of a cigarette*
This was a very personal series for me, and sharing it with you in such depth feels akin to giving part of myself away. It needs to be said, that whilst one chemical may react well with someone’s system, and may be beneficial for their depression, it may not be for someone else. And vice versa. This is by no means a post saying which drugs work/don’t work, it’s purely my own personal experiences of them.
This is a series I’ve simply called ‘Chemical’ and it’s a narrative about my journey through medicating depression, and the side effects that the different chemicals in anti depressants gave me. Finding the right chemicals to treat depression is very hit and miss, sometimes you find the right one straight away, and sometimes, like me, it can be 8 different kinds down the line and you still haven’t found the right one. One day I was sat thinking about all the chemicals that have been given to me by the health system and I thought, “Hey, why not make a photo series out of it” so here are the results, illustrated through makeup and photography.
Sertraline’s brand name is Lustral, and it was the very first chemical to be put to trial in my system. The mixture of chemicals was a complete and total shock to my system, as although I’d been told side effects would happen, I wasn’t expecting them to be so intense. I’ve since come to expect nothing less. Because the side effects took me by surprise, they felt amplified. This brand made my already very pale skin, practically pure white. It also gave me an incredible insomnia that would leave me awake for days at a time, which left me in a state of constant exhaustion. The last of the side effects reflected in this image is an insatiable thirst; no matter how much water I drank, it just wouldn’t go away.
Paroxetine, or Seroxat, is a chemical I found particularly hellish. It has been featured on many news programmes, such as Panorama, due to it’s life sucking, zombie inducing side effects and high suicide count. I found it erased who I was, I became a completely different person, and I have little to no memory of my time on it, except blackness and living in a constant nightmare. The people who knew me at the time do not like to discuss it, as it was so painful for them to watch.
Fluoxetine is commonly known as Prozac. This particular brand was very effective, and calmed my depression down a great deal. But it also reduced every other emotion too. I felt like I was numb, just a walking nothingness, looking through a window.
Amitriptyline is also known as Elavil. This brand made me put on a lot of weight in a very short amount of time. It’s also commonly prescribed as a painkiller, so it left me rather spaced out almost 24/7.
Venlafaxine, or Effaxor, didn’t affect my personality at all, it merely gave me the most mind screaming, brain splitting migraines which would leave me curled in a ball in the dark, vomiting from the sheer amount of pain.
Citalopram, or Celexa, made me incredibly dizzy and confused, I had very little sense of equilibrium and it did absolutely nothing for my depression.
Escitalopram, or Cipralex, was described to me as ‘the stronger sibling of Citalopram’ and was a very simple brand. Pretty much the only side effect it gave me was an incredible exhaustion. I could sleep for 18 hours at a time and still not feel rested. Even when I was awake I was fighting to keep my eyes open.
Duloxetine is also known as Cymbalta. The side effects of this brand are almost entirely physical. They made me feel very pale and washed out, but also gave me an incredible nausea that I’ve never experienced before, as well as near constant hot and cold sweats.
And I’m very grateful to Vicki Blatchley, who volunteered to model for me, and let me attack her face with makeup over and over again, that girl is such a trooper!
Catherine x
That must’ve been an incredibly brave move to write all of that. It’s good to have an insight into the meaning behind such a beautiful series, especially when it’s such a personal issue. Well done! x
Thankyou sweetie. It was extremely scary. Creating the series in the first place took a lot of courage, although I had originally intended it to purely be an untitled random beauty series, but people have been asking for a full explanation for over a year! I’ve pretty much been chain smoking since posting this!
x
Hi there:
My name is Michael Glendale. Arts and cultural journalist from BC Canada. I often work for a TV series that centers on art and culture. And photography, I do that too, well, I’m learning all the time.
Any case, after 40 shows of network TV – and a handful of documentary opportunities that proved very valuable; I find myself still ever drawn to the arts, expression, well thought out concepts, and the artists that put them forward.
In the case of this one, “Chemical.” I feel, and think, as though this intimate recollection has not only widened my admiration for the series, but solidified it for me. Gained roots by way of the information. (In mind’s eye its posted inside a gallery of contemporary modern art – words floating on walls – in drug pamphlets, wrapped on large bottles – you name it.)
Externalizing it through portrait medium is perfect, personal, and “hits on all cylinders.” I appreciate that. Thank-you. You have me wondering if you ship to Canada.
—> On another note. I have struggled with this personal issue as well from time to time also. Although a stranger to these Chemicals, I do what I must to maintain. Never the less, 2 years in a hospital in my early 20′s lends understanding to the energy behind the work. I remember seeming to have to relinquish everything all the time to others, their wonder drugs, and “health plans.”
In closing. Candor, individual description in condensed, personal and punchy detail has, for me anyways, elevated an already incredible series further.
As for putting it out there, thanks for doing so. Its been believed that a chief function of expression and art is to tackle the unknown, the foreign places, observe – toil over, and produce.
Yes. Its personal. But then again, most things are. Well, the good things, in any case.
Bravo.
M.
Please excuse my typos – I am fresh out from a deep sleep.
Well, I’m off for the day. Thanks again!
Hey Michael,
Thank you so much for such a wonderful reply! Your job sounds really fascinating.
I’m sorry to hear that you’ve had similar troubles, but am glad that you’re not longer hospitalised, that’s a fantastic achievement, you should be really proud!
I guess most things are person on some level, thank you for that reminder, it’s helped make me feel less vulnerable! This was pretty much ripped straight from the depths of my head.
Catherine x
—-> My name Michael Glendale. – can be changed to – My name is…… – if you wish. Ha! Its already bugging me. A main reason I hardly comment on blogs – I can’t resubmit on them!
Haha, done
Don’t worry about it, I’m sure no one will care! I know what you mean though, I re-read my posts/comments over and over and still miss stuff!
I think this is a really interesting series, not least because psychoactive medication is a bit of a taboo and something people don’t feel comfortable admitting or talking about. In a way the photos seem to represent that, they seem anonymous and silent, they let the viewer work out through subtle implications what the experience is like. It’s brave of your to talk about your experiences so honestly. these kind of meds can (when they suit people) save lives, so I hope this will help to reduce the stigma that taking medication that effects mood is somehow ‘wrong’. In some ways I think it’s shame that the series doesn’t represent any positive experiences on drugs too, but maybe you didn’t have any?
It seems amazing that you had such extreme reactions from drugs like citalopram, which are doled out by GPs to pretty much anyone, but maybe that reflects more so that people don’t tend to talk about their experiences.
Thank you, I really hate the taboo and stigma associated with mental health and it’s something I’m very passionate about fighting.
At first I wanted the series to be anonymous and silent, so I’m glad you can see it that way, I felt an explanation was needed as so many people wanted it, so I first gave the series it’s title and individual names, but it invited more questions, so yeah, the explanation was given. It was very difficult to do and admit to, but I’m glad it may be helping fight the stigma, even if just a little bit.
I wish I’d had some positive experiences on anti depressants, but I didn’t really. the closest was Fluoxetine which did the most for my depression, but the negative effects were still pretty harsh.
I’ve noticed that Citalopram and Sertraline are two of the most common anti depressants doled out by GPs. They can be really great and I’ve known them to turn peoples lives around, but side effects are still usually there. Boo.
Wow, really full of interesting information and experiences
Thanks for sharing this and, I must say, I love your photos and your blog <3
Thankyou very much, that’s really kind of you x
Thanks for explaining them all. I already felt this series had a great deal of your personal feelings in it, but now it all comes together and I understand what a strong person you must be for putting up with all the chemicals, the depression itself AND for expressing all that in your beautiful photography.
As you might remember, I did a series inspired by this series, with portraits of different people who all had some kind of story which you could not ‘see’ on other, regular photos of them. I, too, never got round to writing every single story to publish on the internet. I only told people the stories when they would ask me about it personally. I don’t know why. But maybe I might write about it now.
Thank you for being such an inspiration to me, Catherine! You are amazing.
Thank you Sabine, you have no idea how much your comment means to me today.
I love your ‘The Unseen’ series, it’s really beautiful. I think you sent me the explanations a while ago, I can’t remember? Perhaps if it’s okay with the models, writing about it could be rather cathartic.
Thank you again, you’re very kind xx
It’s good to hear that.
Thank you, your opinion about that series means a lot to me. I never wrote all the personal stories down on the internet, I think I just explained to you what the global idea was and that every one of them had some kind of story to them. I have permission of the models to write it down, but if I do, I will ask them if they think I described it the way they think it’s supposed to be. That’s going to be the hardest part.
And no worries, thank YOU!
xxx
My husband gave me the link to this series and insisted me to read and watch. I haven’t had as many chemicals as you’ve had. Just fevarin, prozac, effexor and now lithium. But I recognize so much! Fevarin left me nauseous on the floor of the bathroom, Prozac was the best one but indeed a killer of all senses and Effexor triggered all my senses, both depressions and manias, I slept for 4 hours a night, at the most.
Lithium. Well, it seems to help but the side effects took me to the hospital in an ambulance and for most lets me feel I’m have Parkinsons in the morning.
So thanks a lot for visualizing this in this beautiful series and I hope you will find the medication that is right for you.
By the way, I’m very happy that you can keep up your work during depressions on some point even though it is just retouching. The only thing I can do is shooting interiors for real estate. Long term creative processes are off limits.
Love,
Nicolet
Hi Nicolet,
It’s a difficult battle, but you can absolutely get there!
I’m sorry that you know how different chemicals feel, it’s a difficult road!
Nothing is off limits for you, take slow, small steps and you’ll get there
All my best, Catherine x
I cannot believe their still using Elavil ( tricyclic antidepressant ) for pain and depression. The drug was produced in 1956. Its of label use in paraesthesia or nerve damage in the hand and feet from illness has been quite susscessful. But its use in pain and migraines is a cheap trick not to dispense narcotics. I would hear other doctors laugh after writing a Rx for Elavil for patients with chronic pain. Why did they laugh? Well because they got away from having to do real pain assessments and deal tons of paper work, meanwhile the patient believed they were going home to get better. There are so many overdoses on Elavil that is never published. Medical examiners find it very have to prove death by Elavil. They get lucky sometimes sending a blood sample to special lab. The result could take up to 3 months come back. Phych drugs should not used for pain! They are quite harmful, even to people with mental illness.
My rule of thumb is use what is tried and true. Some phych patients respond well to narcotics! I would rather Rx narcotics than Eavil for pain any day.
I’m rather surprised by this, although I probably shouldn’t be! I was prescribed Amitriptyline back in 2006 or 2007, and I didn’t really find that it did much except space me out, but it’s completely different from person to person I guess. I think that any medication that laters brain chemistry can be dangerous, but they can work. My best experience was on Fluoxetine (Prozac) but I’ve heard of so many people having very negative experiences on it. It’s all pretty hit and miss!